I found this on my Facebook while bored in class this evening. When I started re-reading it, I could NOT remember writing it over a year ago. By the end, I could recall writing it, but not why. Just an interesting glance at the way my mind works/worked/will work.
Everything ends, everything always ends. Everywhere I look around me, there are lights at the ends of tunnels and roads that cease to exist. Nothing remains because all things end. Sometimes we don't even notice until it's too late; sometimes it isn't until we've driven ourselves so far off the road that we're passing deer instead of other cars that we notice that the path we've been on stopped miles back. Other times we see it coming as soon as it all began. It's as if the entire way has been marked with flashing neon signs screaming "This will end," "The end is near," "It'll all be over soon." Yet, despite the warnings, we go straight through, knowing that whatever it is we're doing will soon cease to exist, and not with a bang but with a whimper. Everything ends.
And nothing ends, nothing ever ends. No matter where you go or what you do, you can't escape. Nothing in life ends, it all stays with you until the day you finally die (and even then, I think, it chases you). Like a dog that snarls at the mailman every morning, everything is doomed to be repeated over and over again. Closure doesn't exist. Life is not a book that will one day be flipped beyond the last page, bringing the back cover down so we can gaze upon whatever words or imagery have been printed there. No. Life is a circle - no matter how far you run around it, you always end up back where you were with nothing changed. Nothing ends.
Things begin, always there are new beginnings. There will always be something new in life. Whether it be something small or something life-changing, you can always expect something to spring into existence where it wasn't there before. Like a strike of lightning, new things flash before our eyes out of nothingness, blazing across our vision with such power that it burns into our very being. No matter if you want it or not, something new is always going to begin. It doesn't matter how hard you want things to remain the same, there is always an element of random chaos, waiting to be added like salt on a dish. Something is always beginning. Things begin.
Every day, something changes, something is always changing. Everything in the world is always shifting, adapting, taking new form. Our lives are like lumps of clay that are being constantly molded by outside forces. No matter what we do, thinks will always change. There is nothing that is the same the next day, the next hour, the next minute, the next second. On some level, everything is changing at every possible moment. Life could care less how tightly you attempt to grasp at something to make it so it isn't struck by change. Life could care less if you lock something in the most secure of containers where nothing could ever interact with it. No matter how hard you try, it will change. Everything changes.
And I stand before this chaotic mess of contradictions and my mind wants nothing more than to scream "STOP! LET ME HAVE MY PEACE! JUST STOP!" I want time to cease its constant plodding into the future for just long enough to try and make sense of that which is going on around me. I just want a few moments' respite to figure everything out. I just want to understand. Still, that is not the way that time and life work, for if I could make life stop just once, it would never begin again. Instead, time forces us to remain in constant motion, no matter how hard one may want it to stand still for just a little bit.
Life is a constant, bitter struggle that I cannot win. My mind only wishes understanding - for that is how I'm made - but life is so chaotic that I will never ever understand. No matter how hard I try to make things the way I want for them to be - no matter how hard I try just to make them make sense - life simply doesn't work that way. So I'm just going to stand here, screaming internally, while attempting to somehow, someway, live.