I've been at my family's house since Saturday night, crashing on their sofa at night. The way the house feels has changed since the last time I was here. Dean's been staying in his room, applying for even more jobs than he normally does. My mother is constantly cleaning, just going through the entire house and making sure that its absolutely spotless. It's what she does when she's stressed. That, and bake. She's made so much food since I got here. I've had fresh bread and cookies and biscuits just in the past day, and she's in the kitchen now making omelets for the family.
Baking is mom's way of staying in control because it's something she knows. She knows her kitchen like the back of her hand, knows her recipes like she does the names of her children. I didn't inherit the talent. Mom tried to teach me just before I moved out, said it'd be a way to manage my budget. I just never got it as well as Todd did.
Todd's actually planning on going to culinary school. Despite being just a kid, he's very good at what he does. I'm not sure how well that will support him financially, especially considering the economy and all that, but I hope it'll work out for him. He's a good kid, despite having gotten mixed up in the wrong crowd last year, but he's been clean for the past six months as far as anyone is aware. With luck, he'll keep a handle on things and not let those drugs back into his life, won't let them dominate him. He just needs to get a job for the Summer, would help keep him out of trouble.
Then again, no one is able to find work right now. Dean's been searching for a year. His unemployment runs out next month. For all his flaws, for all my issues with him, he's a good man. There just isn't much of a market for computer technicians down here at the moment. He's doing what he can, but nothing's turned up. He has his part-time job, but that's not going to pay the bills, especially since the day care mom was working at closed.
Mom and Dean were able to get two months of their mortgage paid ahead of time last year. They've got just enough savings plus Dean's part-time work to last until then, but after that they're not going to pay any of their bills. I heard my mom crying last night. If something doesn't change, they'll lose everything.
This is why I've got to make these three books work. I'm still trying to get my werewolf novel shopped around, but no one's biting. I've got my fictionalized take on what's happening now that I'm about halfway through. I have Damien's notebook to try and transcribe. I'm doing what I can to make all this work. All I need is one to get published. Just one is all I need. Damien's story feels like the one that will sell best, the one that most needs to be told.
So many of you are yelling at me about how dangerous this is, about how I'm doing something wrong. All I ask is that you consider how I can legitimize you. If this book takes off, there's not going to be anymore doubt about what you're going through. I can help you. If more people know, it'll be easier on us all. We can get this under control. We won't all be madmen with faceless gods and infinite books. Isn't that what you want?
I know its dangerous. I'd run if I could. Still, I've learned. If this thing wants you, it's going to take you. It's in control. Running isn't going to help me. If it has you in its eyeless sights, it is going to destroy your life and everything you hold dear. I won't ruin my and my loved ones' lives on a chance that I may be trapped in a horror story where there's no good ending anyways. I'm just going to keep writing, for myself, my family, my father.
I'll post another notebook entry tomorrow. Breakfast is done.