Can't Sleep

Every time I close my eyes, I see her staring at me. I see that monster ripping into her flesh like she was nothing. She wasn't nothing. Kiera wasn't nothing. She was a human being. She was more than I could ever be.

Kiera was strong. She was brave. She put on a bitch's face whenever she commented online, and sometimes while I stayed with her, but that wasn't how she always was. After that thing took Damien, she cried. It was quiet. At first, I hardly noticed it. I thought she was just angry again, her hands curled into fists... but then I saw the tears. One by one, they fell, silently. Kiera told me then about how, despite everything, she did still care about her ex. She just could never show it, for fear that she'd get to close to him and then die, further tearing him apart.

She was a human being. I sacrificed one human being for another. I traded a life for a life.

It was worth it. I got Judith back. It was worth it.

I met with Peter nearly a month ago. I knew that the monster could remove memories. I came to the man to see if it could remove ideas as well. I remember how tired he looked. It was like he hadn't slept in weeks. I assume it was because of Damien's rampage through his church's ranks, but maybe it was something else. I'm not sure I particularly care. He was just another tool. He gave me the information I wanted in exchange for a future favor. Thank god Damien killed him first. Who knows what he'd have made me do?

Would it be worse than what I did of my own volition?

Peter told me that the Faceless, as he called it, communicates in dreams and by its mere presence. I don't know about that. I don't remember any dreams from the past month, and I honestly do not remember much of the meeting Kiera saw. I just remember that it happened, and that I knew that Kiera would die, I would watch, and Judith would be saved.

I think that's what He wanted me for. I remember my previous dreams, of Him forcing me to write before an audience. I thought it was about Damien's notebook. I see now that I may have been wrong. I think He was using me the whole time. I think He needed me for this, instead. He wanted everyone to know what He could do, even to someone as strong as Kiera. Or perhaps I'm ascribing too many motivations to something so inhuman.

And so He came, and He tore her apart in front of me. She fought. I wish I could say she didn't feel the pain, but I know she did. She clearly did. It made her suffer. I made her suffer. I made it happen. It was me. It was all me. She'd be alive if not for what I did. Kiera died because of me. All just for Judith. I traded her. I traded life for life. I had no right. I shouldn't decide life and death. I shouldn't decide anything. I made a mistake. I sacrificed her. I sacrificed to a Faceless god.

Was it worth it? I got Judith back. Was it worth it?

Was it worth it?

Why can't I say it was worth it?

I love her, but was it worth it?

I killed for her. It had to have been worth it. I can't doubt now. Not after what I've already done.

But I do doubt.

I don't know if it was anymore. I don't know anything anymore.

Why won't the blood come off?